Sunday, October 11, 2009
So recently I was on the phone with my mother and was trying to get her to the see new apartment via Youtube. It takes forever because her computer skills aren't so great. She gets to my main page and clicks on the video of me talking at the gym. She says to me,
"How much do you weigh there?"
"Oh wow, that's too fat. You should be 120 max."
I'm not sure whether many of you know this or not but, I wasn't big too long before I decided to lose weight and go on Youtube. I gained weight freshman year of college and it didn't seem to budge, til I started posting and came here of course.
Throughout high school I maintained a weight from 114 to low 130s. Body changes a lot I found, from Freshman to Senior year of high school.
Anyway, even at my lowest weight I could always remember my mother calling me fat somehow. If I was eating something she thought I shouldn't have, she would comment how fat it will make me. She would often, especially during the years where we would fall out, not cook enough dinner for me because according to her, I was on a diet.
I was on a fast food and junk diet those days. Especially being a McSlave for 3 years in high school. I know several other girls/women have told me they had been verbally abused about their weight from their parents/family. What I am starting to wonder is, will I be the same to my kids?
Parenthood is mimetic. Not all the time. But most of our personality traits we obtain from our parents and whoever raised us.
I hate to admit, I am more like my mother than I'd like to be. I think she makes up a good 75% of me. I do get some logic from my brilliant father, but it seems she brings out the best and worst in me. I could 100% accurately say, she is the reason I have terrible body image- always have for as long as I can remember. I'm sure other influences didn't help either.
Would I do the same to my own children? I'm not so sure I wouldn't. However, my mother does the same to my brother, Patrick. He by no means a fat kid, but has a wide/muscular build, wide shoulders/chest. He could be a great football player someday- if we weren't Dominican and conditioned(forced) to play baseball. He's only eleven and the other day he says to me "Hey guess, what... I've lost a little weight."
What a horrible thing for a child to have on their mind. Children shouldn't be worried about their appearance too much. Especially something you can't control like- GENETiCS.
I've told her countless times not mention things like that to him. My youngest brother, Sam, is underweight. He plays in the Florida State All Star little league. They both play baseball and basketball, skateboard, ride bikes, Rollerblade... Things I was could never do at that age growing up in NYC. They're pretty active kids, both have picky eating habits- like normal kids.
So, what good would it do to tell your kid he's fat?
Is there no in between? For my mother you're fat until you're thin.